Travel
Like The
"Rich and Famous. . ."
Discover How A Pauper
Travels Like A King!
Hotel Rooms Are Nightmares
by: David Leonhardt
Ever since I began working for that Florida
vacation rentals
website, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares. I am haunted at
night by the spirits of hotel rooms past.
There was a time when I traveled quite a bit on
business.
Thankfully, I don't hotels hop any more. But at night I float off to a
hotel room far away in time...
The day's work done, I phoned home to check up on
the kids. It
seems there was a shouting match going on in my absence. It sounded
like Pandemonium was winning, but Total Bedlam was making some noise,
too.
"Can you just quiet down a bit," I said into the
phone.
"YOU shut up," I heard the man in the next room
growl.
I chose to ignore him. "Come on guys. Can't you
just stop fighting for a minute?"
"I'll show you what fighting means" I heard
through the wall.
"Geeze. I can't even here myself think," I
complained into the phone.
"Hey! I've had just about enough of you," the guy
on the other side of the wall screamed.
Suddenly I got very scared. I pictured a burly,
six-foot-two
weightlifter smashing his fist through the wall. I hung up the phone,
wondering how thin the walls were.
Nothing happened. No fist. No smashed wall. No
burly, six-foot-two weightlifter.
I decided to go downstairs for a stress-relief
stroll. As I was closing my door, the man from the next room emerged.
Fortunately, he was no weightlifter.
I was about to ask him why he had shouted at me
through the wall
while I was trying to discipline my kids, when he called to me, "Hey
you. I was on the phone with my wife. Why did you have to heckle me?"
All of a sudden, I knew how thin the walls were.
In fact, I discovered that hotel walls come in two
thicknesses:
If you're lucky, you get "Turn down the volume on
your TV!"
walls. If you are less fortunate, you get "Turn down the brightness on
your TV!" walls.
Fortunately, hotel rooms are immaculately clean.
It's true.
The sign says so. Just as long as you don't look under the mattress to
find a 1976 copy of Businessweek Magazine and theatre tickets to a 1982
showing of The Music Man.
I don't know why hotels pretend to be so spotless.
All that
junk under the bed could be used as a marketing tool. "Stay at the
Hilltop Hilton and join in our under-mattress-scavenger-hunt."
If the hotels don't catch on, sooner or later the
motels will.
They can turn anything into a sales pitch. Like, for example, "Color
TV" (Ooooooohh.). And "Outdoor Pool" (I think the "outdoor" feature is
a nice added touch, don't you?) And how about "Free Parking" (which is
really a way of saying, "You don't have to park your car in your
room.").
What worries me most about hotels is what they
keep in the
drawers. Did you ever notice there is always a bible in the drawer?
Why?
When you buy a car, there is no bible in the glove
compartment, although the road is where you need prayers the most.
When you dig for the prize at the bottom of the
Cracker Jack box, it's never a bible.
Even in hospitals, where a prayer might be all you
have left, there is no bible in the drawer.
Only in hotels and on death row do bibles come as
standard equipment.
And why just the Bible? I have had plenty of spare
time to
search for Torahs and Korans in hotel rooms, and I have never found
any. Do Jews and Muslims not stay in hotels? What do they know that I
don't?
Fortunately, I don't have to stay in hotels
anymore. I don't
have to endure shadow-puppet shows from the guy on the other side of
the wall. I don't have to keep from reading over his shoulder. I don't
have worry about what he ate for dinner.
And I don't have to listen to his snoring. I can
enjoy my own nightmares in peace.
Todays Travel Tip
Did you know buying a one way or split ticket can be better than
round trip sometimes? Well, our traveling pauper sure does! Let’s
say you’re going from Boston to Dallas. It may be cheaper to get
two separate tickets. You could buy one ticket from Boston to
Nashville and one from Nashville to Dallas. It all depends on the
connecting cities and your airlines hubs. Just tell your agent you
are willing to travel out of other airports and connect using regional
airports to save money. Check back tomorrow for
another tip.
P.S.
If you have ever wanted to travel like the "rich and famous," here is
your opportunity. The Pauper's Secret Confessions alone, are
worth 10 times the cost of this book. Never take another trip
without being prepared!
